011:45 AM, 02/04/17
Yesterday when I fell on my bed with my hands lifeless..my hair untied..I thought it was for the last time..I was sleeping for the last time. I decided to give up…I left no suicide notes behind me because I wanted my name to cease with my breath ..I wanted no gossips on my life.
My window was left open it was too dark the moon was about to hide..I was remembering the day when I first came to Bokaro Steel City and what all I saw was posters and photos of students qualifying IIT..and then in my new school, Delhi Public School, I met my classmates..everyone was a topper..we all were aspirants..and then I was remembering the day one year after when I promised my mom and my brother that I’m going to be an IITian..my family never forced me to do engineering..it’s my dream..I wanted to be an IITian…but when I’m back in time..it seems like dessert’s sand that just slips off the hand…I’m not qualified..Indians are reserved and I fall under an unreserved category. My marks are enough for the reserved ones..my friends with half of my marks qualified but for me I needed 15 more…15 marks changed everything..If I would’ve paid more attention to the paper I might’ve secured it….but I failed..I’ve seen failures and success equally in my life but this one was life changing..I was scared what would I say when tomorrow all my relatives and my friends will call me and ask if I’m qualifying…They’ll say that I wasted my time in enjoying outside with girls…they’ll say that Sharma’s daughter has qualified…they’ll say stop investing in a girl child..
I remember when they were stopping mom from sending me to the costliest school in the town and she said before cutting her wings just see how high she flies. I’ve not yet told her that I failed..
I wanted to give up because it has been a lot of times when I went through the toughest days in my life and didn’t give up because my mom trusted in me…but this time I want to give up…
I’m laughing on myself how everyone said that this girl is different….yeah different like everyone…
I want to feel light…I want to sleep..I was always strong enough to find a ray of light in the canopy but this time I failed to find any.. still I’ll wait for the storm to pass.. I’ll be a burning desire for the next time when it rains..
I’m at the most crucial point of my career…’Do or Die’…It hasn’t been even three days after my board exams..but I’m not allowed to rest because in India, it’s never satisfactory for people. They say, you’ve to carry your board certificate throughout your life so work hard and then they say this board result won’t help you to get admission so don’t rest..just go on IIT..VIT..BITS…and then colleges..jobs..where’s life dude???
You cry overnight..you drag yourself…no matter what..just go on.!!! I fail whenever I try to find my careless smile…everytime it’s the time running in my mind. I just want to throw everything around and shout out loud..I want to escape…I want to close my eyes and lay down without worries. Can it be better ever… the competition is permanent…life is transient I want to make it the best and for that I’ve to go through the worst…but is it for granted that after working so much I’ll see that bright day..should I trust my tomorrow?
Why my tomorrow is a fear…why is it so dark…why I don’t feel like it’s me…why is everything running so fast..just stop this race…Live & Let Live..
why everybody on this planet is judged..and who are you to judge who gave you that right..who made these rules to judge..and why we follow these rules..I love my subjects..I want to get educated..but do I only deserve it when I’m a topper in that subject..I’m a trained dancer, painter…I can write so beautiful but in this world the most reputed job is reading books and then proving people that you read it…
Oh world…hats off!
My human diary
I’m not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. Love is not just a word it’s a different world of poetry. I can never say that I love you forever because I’ve no idea where my road will take me but I’m sure about today that I love you more than I did yesterday. I’m a teenager, for me love meant attraction, interest and a fear of living alone but you changed my definition of love. I know you don’t feel the same or may be you’re more patient and mature but trust me I’ll be waiting.
The best part is we don’t want to drag a relationship when we’re not sure about it because we don’t seek joy at the cost of someone’s feelings. I’ve read somewhere…
Just let him go if he loves you he will come back…
He is my end and my beginning..Even when I lose I’m winning….Hey, hold my hand ’cause all of me loves all of you. (All of Me)
PS:-Hold on! it’s not related to my life 😉
Everybody for once or twice in their life, must’ve gone through those days when we do not want to share anything because we feel like we’re mocking ourselves. We listen to motivational and inspirational speeches but it never really works. When we want to enjoy but out of excitement we lose our control and it gives us the same pain again.
When they come to us whenever they need our help and for the rest of the time we are left all alone. When we are understanding and our fellas behaves as if they need a chance to prove us wrong, to make us feel like it’s always our mistake.
When slowly and then gradually the pearls comes out of the thread..when memories are stains..when silence is a shield..when tomorrow is a fear..when beauty seems fake and ugliness attracts…when we are the most negative person filled with questions…when we want to live but we just can’t help it.
When smile is a part of your wardrobe before going out wear it and after coming back tear it. The road is never straight. The moment I feel really happy there is a fear inside laughing at me as if I’ll never get what I want…love, happiness. I’ve always been a giver. I apologized whenever I was wrong and sometimes even if I was right. I forgive and forget. I was always ready to help those for whom I was just a source and I really don’t regret because it helped me to know this world even better. I never walk with the thorn pricked in my leg; it pains. I always remove it and restart but the scar is always there to remind me the hell I went throughout the journey. Mom says I’m insane but her daughter is strong enough to bear it all alone.
I’ve no rights to question, ‘why me?’ because there are many going through the same pain and some even the worst. I’ve no complaints but yes I’m hurt and why should I cry it was meant to happen. so just let it go because the past is not in your tomorrow.
Like every fellow human beings my life has centered around the wish to find happiness. I always wanted that perfect someone in my life. Here to confess, I’ve never respected the precious love which I already have, of course, my mother. I lost my father at an early age and for some reasons I proudly said that I hate my family. I was hurt by the words and action of those temporary people in my life but I always tried to impress them. But when it came to my family, I made it a new excuse to accuse them. My mother being a single parent sacrificed all her wishes and dreams for my better future but I called it her responsibility and not her love. I didn’t go home in vacations. She used to cry on phone calls but it hardly affected me in any way. When my family members came to meet me I took my earphone and went out. Still they were the one who prayed for me to live the best life.
If you want to live life, it’s best to begin to respect the gift of love right now. As children, our first teacher of this acceptance are our parents. They are unconditional and forgiving punching bags who feel happiest when they get bashed up by their kids. Whatever we do, whichever mistake we make, however we react to them our parents are our best friends. And if ever any of us are in trouble of any kind they will always come good. We kids are their greatest source of happiness.They just want us to respect that feeling and nothing. If we’re unable to receive the love they give us in whatever form it arrives even if it’s in the form of tight slap then when we become a parent, we’ll end up having to learn this lesson somewhat more harshly from teachers we give birth to those are our kids. Don’t listen to them, fool them if you must.. a bit of lying is also welcome but make sure you cherish what you’ve because when you don’t have them you’ll miss someone to be rude to, someone you can take for granted, someone to say and do whatever you wish with, you miss the comfort of being loved unconditionally.
They know she laughs for no reason..but she can’t sleep without crying overnight..
They know when she shouts she doesn’t care where she is..
but she can’t smile without sitting alone for hours..
They know she can’t be a simple Indian girl..
but she can’t be rude to anyone..
They know she is not so calm and composed..
but she is the most understanding girl you’ll ever meet..
They know she hangs out like anything..
but the hangover still remains painful..
They know she is not someone to be easily understood..
but she is an open book of life..
They know she is the strongest..
but she always needs a paper to share her pain..
They know she abuses straight forward..
but when she speaks to the right person she is the sweetest..
They know she hates love stories..
but she had once loved someone deeply..
Friendship is an ideal relationship. So the one whom you call as your friend can be called as an acquaintance, know the difference. I’m not being negative I’m just being practical. In this real world nobody is your real friend. Loyalty changes with needs and memories are lost with time. Meet your best friend after 5 yrs you won’t feel the same. Life is a narrow road with many branches you’ll not always walk with your friends. You came alone you will go alone. Emotions works in your happiness but never in your emptiness. We all are busy…
Time is the best teacher…just grow up, expect less, keep helping and keep smiling.